were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
