just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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