Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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