Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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