sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think a kid would responsible me up
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
