I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
