im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
