Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
