you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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