Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
