How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They have beer where we have blood.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
