I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
