I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
how drunk are you?
Several
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
