is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
