You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
