Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
