I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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