Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
