no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
