nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
