Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
