Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
