He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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