just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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