My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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