dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
