how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
