so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
