Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
