your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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