She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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