no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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