Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
