We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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