Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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