I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
