You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my shit smells like andre
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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