I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
