You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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