I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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