I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
