I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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