He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
