Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
