Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
