i think my tv is drunk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
