My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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