I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
