Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
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