I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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