She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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