my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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